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Classical Music Jokes

Band directors and music instructors around the world might cry rather than laugh at many of these classical music jokes, but to the rest of us they should provide some laughs and good memories from school band.

From David Ward, posted on The Fun People Archive at Langston.com. Enjoy!
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OUT-TAKES FROM HARVARD DICTIONARY OF MUSIC

Accidentals: The wrong notes.

Audition: The act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

Accelerando: What happens when drummers have to keep a steady beat.

Conductor: An ignorable figure capable of following numerous individuals at once.

Cut Time: When you suddenly realize that everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.

Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loud.

Cymbals: Percussion instrument to be dropped while the band plays pianissimo

Fermata: A chance for the conductor to catch his breath while attempting to make his wind players pass out.

Glissando: The way string players play difficult runs

Key Change: A change in the main pitch or "tonal center" which takes full effect three to five bars after it is noted in the music.

Page Turn: A good way to avoid playing the hard parts.

Practice: Don't worry about it. Musicians never do it anyway.

Ritard: The idiot behind the stick.

Tempo Change: Signal for the musicians to ignore the conductor.

Unison: See "minor second."

Vibrato: How musicians hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
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